Freewrite June 7th

I’m just going to freewrite for a bit to see where it’ll get me. 

The past week I’ve been involved with a lot of gardening but also exam preparation. I’ve sorted out the problem I had at ACTA and have also gotten closer to the people there. Reality is such a strange thing. You come into this world and there are situations you get put in where you have no control over. As you mature, you learn to take more responsibility for your environment. But maybe that’s just my view of it. Maybe I’m reaching into nothingness. Maybe I should stick to poems since they can be ambiguously interpreted. 

It’s hard for women out there. The powerlessness. Being taken advantage of. It’s not always easy. 

I can only speak for myself however. 

What can I say that can make a difference? 

What can I say that will change minds and change hearts? I hope to communicate a message of peace and love. I hope to communicate that through my actions and my words as a lather on the cake. I don’t understand people sometimes. I make misjudgments but I learn from that as well. I think I’m more like scurry where I go through the maze as fast as I can until I hit a wall. It’s because I like action. I like doing things. “Rather to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission” is a phrase that stuck with me and that I’ve applied numerous times. Playing rogue music. Exploring places where there were no signs that said I couldn’t go there, although it might’ve been implied. Planting seeds and gangster gardening. I hope to be around ACTA for a while so I can see it grow. 

I’m really just writing random things now. Thoughts that may be connected. Thoughts that just run like a train. Calling someone? Sometimes you hear things that you’re supposed to hear, but you’re not sure if it was meant for you, but I always take it there’s a message in there somewhere. Sometimes directly, sometimes indirectly. It’s really open to interpretation. Everything. Although certain things are of course ‘frowned upon’. 

I find meditation quite rebellious actually. It’s a statement of peace. I’ve meditated in all kinds of places, and in many different types of situations. It calms me. I releases tension I have. It clears my mind of thoughts that are sometimes irrelevant and occupy my mind for no good reason. Smoking marijuana does similar things to me as well. It allows me a different perspective on things I wouldn’t have before. 

I started smoking weed because of my sister actually. At least, she helped me take that step. First at her party, then in Holland when she told me “You only live once” and meant it in the sense that a bit of marijuana wouldn’t kill you, and I should loosen up a bit and try something new. I probably took that a step further… which is how I’ve taken many things my sister has ever said or done. 

What do I want to communicate to the world? I don’t know. But I can tell them my story and tell them how I came to be. But who am I? And why would anyone give a shit? I’ve lead an interesting life from my perspective… but I think anyone would think that about themselves. What have I contributed that’s so significant? Most of my ‘interesting’ life I have to thank for my parents, and the opportunities they gave me… but maybe I should be giving myself more credit as well for some of the things I’ve achieved. Like skating 24 hours. Or becoming what I am right now. What am I right now? A writer writing a journal. Freewriting to be more exact. A half-assed musician. A half-baked entrepreneur. A mix match of weird genes. It’s interesting when relating to my parents as well. I can totally see my dad missing a side that I have because of my mom. I understand my mom more than he understands his wife sometimes I think. Then again, I have trouble understanding my mom sometimes too, but I try, and hang in there. I’m the kind of person that’s willing to make the hard talk, and often am the one that initiates it. 

I hope to be of service to my family as well. Maybe I can help grandpa out with that chore that needed to be done. That would be good on my part anyway. Hopefully that will get sorted. I hope to pass my exams this year as well. I can do it. I can make it. I have to work for it, but I trust in God that he will make everything as it is meant to be. I hope to be able to contribute to this Earth and leave behind a better place. That is all I ask for. 

I hope I’ve brought joy to the hearts of my family. I hope to not have been a burden but I suppose you have to take the good with the bad. I try to do my part. I try to do as much as I can, and be attentive of the things and people in my environment. I really try my best especially for those around me. I really wish people would communicate their needs more clearly, and I try to be direct with others as well to lead by example, and show them that I can handle the truth as I’ve shown it to them. Some people may think of me as an asshole for it, but at least I’m an honest asshole. 

I’ve probably lied as well. I sometimes lie just to make stories flow better, because I can’t phrase things exactly like they were or because I can’t frame sentences in a certain way. Sometimes telling the truth is not an exact science either. But honesty and truth are definitely principles I stand behind. Justice. But what does it all matter? 

Some people just want to watch world burn. I don’t know. I just wrote that because it sounded cool and I heard it somewhere. I do that sometimes. But there’s some truth to it as well. 

A lot of what I write might just seem like fluff to a lot of people which it certainly is. Word fluff. But at least I’m the creator, and I’m actually doing something that’s creative. Like playing with Lego’s. That’s being creative. I used to build things that I was inspired with through video games. Those were good times. But I’m having a good time free writing as well… if only I had a purpose. 

What is my purpose? To educate those around me? To grow trees that can help feed populations? To plan terrain in such a way to make it more habitable for human beings? To become a socio-entrepreneur? I have to wait a few more days to see if I’ll get in with that, so I’m curious what’s going to happen. 

I’ll keep my heart flat. Shifu really is the master when it comes to that. Inspirational to have seen him on TV. I hope to visit one day. Perhaps he can show me how to finish my workout without getting injured everytime I’m on day 23. 

I’ve probably said some stupid things above here but there’s probably some smart things as well. Take the good with the bad. Don’t let your mind deceive you… but maybe if you told people a story they could more easily follow. Like the priest in ‘Doubt’. 

Perhaps I should tell a story that needs to be heard by a certain someone but can relate to a wide range of people. What do I possibly need to say? 

It goes something like:

“Dear people of the world, 

I’d like to make a statement about peace and justice and hope that we can all contribute to this Earth however we can. Some people make very good compost. But others are more than just that, and are like beacons of hope for our communities. I would like to raise my glass for all those who stand for something, and fall for nothing.”

What the heck did I just write? That really came out of the top of my head. My main thing should be structure though. I have a lot of creativity that needs to get out but I need to channel this through structure. Structure begins right now. You can create what you do right here on the internet. That’s pretty amazing eh? I have to basically create a webpage which organizes my thoughts the way I want them to. Or maybe just a word document. Perhaps not… it needs to be more dynamic. I need to be able to categorize thoughts and give lesson perhaps. What’s my goal? My goal is to explore. Well, you can pretty much do that anywhere you want so go right ahead. My goal is to learn as much as I can about permaculture. Well, I think I’m being saturated right now, so that’s in check. I want to be able to start my own farm and feed my kids with the food I grow. That’s definitely a long term strategy of mine. I would want to live in a farming community as well, where we can learn from each other, and seek each other out for support. 

It’s good I’m involved with city farming as that’s getting me to do that there. It’s a good path I’m on. I just need to think about the rest of my journey. Or maybe I shouldn’t think and just go. Marie Forleo is good, but I’m spending a lot of time on her videos as well. I mean, I could be spending that time on a Geoff Lawton video so I’m going to have to prioritize. Same thing with my music and art. Where do I want to take it? Maybe it just needs to sit for a while. Take a break. Travel. Do something else. It’s funny how that’s happening. 

I can’t explain it all but I’ll follow what my heart says and let God be the judgement of my faith, that I put in the powers far beyond me, giving me the strength to carve my own reality. Destiny is what I seek. I took that from a song I once wrote. 

Dit gaat echt helemaal nergens over. Waar heb ik het ubrehaupt over. Waarom schakel ik opeens over naar Nederlands? Dat is best wel makkelijk voor mij maar in feite heeft dat geen nut. 

Ik hoop dat jullie nog een fijne avond hebben en dan zie ik wel weer een keer wanneer mijn woorden weer openbaar gaan verschijnen. Dit word zeker een private blog dus ja. Tot de volgende keer! 

Toch geen private blog omdat ik niet weet hoe het moet. Dan maar public! Viva la internet revolution! 

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2 Responses to Freewrite June 7th

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