Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, make sure that you are in fact not surrounding yourself with assholes.
I find that to be the case with me attempting to learn Thai with my family. Strangers don’t judge me when I try to learn Thai, but with my family I get a lot of judgement and attitude about me not knowing stuff. I really don’t receive encouragement or positive feedback either, so learning it really is just on me, and definitely something I won’t learn around my family. In fact, I think I wan’t to get away from this family. I prefer them more as a state of mind rather than their physical presence. My mom is a bipolar with her emotions, and I prefer avoiding her altogether because it costs too much energy being around her. My dad is mostly passive, a lot of the time just bending with the situation. And my sister talks from her high horse, giving me a lot of vague inapplicable advice, but at the same time shifting all the weight on my shoulders like its all my responsibility to how the situation ensues, although how I see it, its the mechanics of the group that creates the outcome.
And maybe I am too negative about this whole thing, and maybe I am a bit emotional but I find it then best to be in my own world and do my own thing and avoid the rest altogether. Maybe that’s the selfish choice. It’s my way of preventing negative energy overflowing to other people. I just want to deal with it in my head where nobody can shift my mind and where I can just be myself. Typing it out into the world to strangers seems to be my therapy to this whole thing.
“Keep your heart flat” is what Shifu would say. It means to not react to trivial things in your surroundings. Don’t become emotionally disturbed by things outside of your control, because otherwise you let your emotions control you. Maybe I should’ve kept my mouth shut. Maybe I shouldn’t have criticized my mom for judging me. How am I supposed to react in a situation like that? Meditate. Don’t say anything. Ignore the source of the negative energy, and focus on the positive. Focus on learning. Focus on building something and creating. Stop listening to the outside world. Start listening to yourself. Be quiet, and calm your thoughts. Try to feel your breath and go with your heart. Stop allowing the brain to complicate matters. Don’t try to get others to understand how what they are doing is not helpful, instead, seek to understand yourself. Once you understand yourself, everyone will understand you. It will flow from the inside out.
I still have a question about love though. I still feel like I’m leeching off my parents. I still haven’t given anything back to the world. I still feel like a parasite. That market research stuff I was talking about- I just keep finding too many reasons not to do it as well. I’m not really sure what I’m doing it for either. What’s the path of love here? What can I give to other people? Maybe I should be practicing my language with a script. I could say lines to people and get back something useful. I should walk more with a notepad. Simply observe and interact. 1st permaculture principle. Just walk around the village. Observe and interact. Notice everything you can about everything. The pen is mightier than the sword. Chill with the real locals. Go swimming with them even. That’d be fun.
I think I just did it again. Writing really is my therapy.