A gardening issue again.
Yesterday, I didn’t follow through with some of the gardening activities I was attempting to undertake. I was half working on trimming some hedgerows we had, but then realized that the tool I was using was half broken. I decided to look for alternatives. I found 1 possible alternative but I didn’t follow through with it because I was fed up with the work, and decided to continue the next day instead. It’s not like I was put in a position to have to work hard anyway, so I decided to take it easy. During dinner that night, my mother made a comment about my work ethic and my ability to solve problems (or lack thereof). I knew exactly why I did what I did, but my mother insisted on judging me on my behavior and spotting her perception of my weaknesses. Since we are all criticizing my behavior, my father joined in telling me I forgot to put a tool back into the shed, but that was a logical error that I made; fair enough, my bad.
It’s mostly my mother’s comments that got to me. Somehow what she said made me angry. I felt that every time I try to do some good around the house, I get criticized for not doing things a certain way. I also got that reaction when I started to clean the house when we first arrived here. Even though I was inflicting a positive change around me, she would criticize me for making a mess, and telling me to wait for her to help out (she was ‘sick’ at the time, so she just lounged in her recliner chair watching TV all day). I didn’t want to wait for her to get better because who knew how long that would take and why couldn’t I just 1 man army clean the whole house? I just wanted to make a better environment for myself anyway.
Should I pay more attention to this criticism and take it more to heart? Or should I ignore what she’s saying? Is there some truth to what she says? Why does it upset me? Is it because I feel my ego gets attacked? I think its because my mother describes me in a light I completely do not see myself in, and I get angry about getting judged this way. She also seems to know everything better a lot of the time, telling me how to do things when she forgets that she is also a student. She preaches a lot, like telling me how things should be done even though she’s had no success of doing it that way herself.
I don’t want to feel resentful, but I can’t help but feel that way towards her. It’s really helpful to write about it however to gain a better understanding. I need to communicate this to her to make her understand this better as well.
That’s another issue. Communicating how I feel about certain things is not always easy, and I’m not quick to do it in the situation. I need time to process it like this, by writing and expressing my thoughts on paper. But once I understand the feeling, I can start the process of forgiving. I tend to repeat these words when I come across painful memories: “I’m sorry”, “Please forgive me”, “Thank you”, “I love you”. Repeating these words helps instill positive flow and energy into myself, as the words become easier to say as well.
Even though I say it, its still hard. What I’d really like to do is just leave, and reset my system through travel. But maybe that’s just running away from the problem.
I’m thinking truly about my work ethic now. Do I work hard enough? Am I lazy? Should I be doing more than I am? Am I ungrateful for all that I have? Am I leaching off my parents? Am I leaching off society? Why do I deserve to live in such luxury? Am I hypocritical with my faith and my actions? Maybe that’s more the core of my resent. It’s because of the ‘work’ I’m doing now isn’t really work. It’s a 6 month holiday more or less. Not that I’m complaining, but I hate feeling like a parasite. I want to do something useful with my time. I want to create value. I want to follow through on the things I say I’m going to do. I don’t want to be a hypocrite and talk the talk, but not walk the walk.
I was thinking of doing market research the other day. Just going door to door and asking people if they’d be interested in starting a more organic lifestyle. That would serve the purpose of establishing a market for the kind of business I want to start, and it would also get me to go out of my comfort zone by interacting with these people and ringing the doorbell of strangers. That’s why I like marketing as well (or market research to be precise). It’s the first steps of creating an enterprise, and it helps me develop as an entrepreneur. From an MMORPG point of view: you can’t expect to level up if you’re not slaying creeps and doing missions. Redirecting my energy into something positive that I’m working on myself is also really uplifting, by either blogging, or planning this market research thing I want to do. It’s exciting. I just have to think it out a bit more, and get the balls to commit to it.
I think I just turned my whole mood around by having written this blog. And its cool, because there’s visible evidence of it. On the subject of follow through, I might just get to starting this marketing campaign of mine. But first: lunch.