When I was in finishing my last 2-3 years of high schools, I started asking a lot of existentialist questions because of the new experiences I went through. I wondered a lot about the meaning of life, and I believe it made me kind of insecure about who I was and the choices I made. Or maybe that’s just called adolescence. I don’t know. There was a point when there was nothing solid for me to hold on to; I didn’t know what was real, and what wasn’t. But this opened up a whole new world to me as well: because I made the rules by choosing what was real and what wasn’t, I got to create my own world. I realized that reality is subjective to my own beliefs.
At first, my reality was quite unstable. I didn’t have religion to anchor me down to something. I didn’t have someone to guide me spiritually. I was just floating in space. This made me experiment with my own behavior a lot, although I must say I would’ve liked to have been able to connect with people better. Relationships were confusing.
Because I went on this ‘spiritual journey’, I came out a better person on the other end. It made me stronger. More secure in what I believe now, because I went looking for it myself and not let other people tell me how it is. I am still on this journey. Life is still a mystery to me, but I am confident with each step that I take and that’s the difference.
I think I used to underestimate the power of feelings. I couldn’t be honest about how I felt about something to myself, and I didn’t really have a mirror to reflect my feelings, so I could see and understand them. That’s what writing is really good for though. I didn’t know how to deal with feelings, so I just ignored them. That left me hanging, and that left me leaving others hanging. What I really needed was just someone to bounce my thoughts and feelings off, but I didn’t think people would understand because my reality was so abstract. Even I couldn’t point my finger at what exactly I was looking for. At least now I’ve got a direction.
It doesn’t really matter where you’re going, as long as you know whereabouts you want to end up. If you change your mind, change your course. Make thoughts and actions one. Do the things you love above everything. Turn the music off, and wake the fuck up. What’s really happening? What matters? Figure out where you want to be and work towards that. Pain is part of the journey, but that’s what we’re here for. Savor that pain, because it’ll make you stronger. It’ll make you realize you’re still alive.