Facing Fears

This week I’ve been thinking about where my comfort zone is and hence, what my fears are. To sum it up, there were 3 things I wanted to do this week:

  1. Skate
  2. Call my ‘foster parents’
  3. Ask the neighbors, who go to fashion school, to make something for me (or help me make it)

Skating was the easiest fear to face. On my first skate night, there were 3 dudes sitting on a bench in the playground where I was skating, I did it anyway. I felt kind of nervous actually, but I thought: “fuck it, I’m sober, so I can handle myself in any situation.” And I went skating. And it was fun. When I saw them light up a joint I relaxed a little, knowing they were just there to chill out.

On my second skate night, a few days later, I went to skate again and there were these 2 dudes playing soccer on one side of the football field I was skating on. They seemed kind of intimidating at first, but again, as soon I started skating I was too focused on myself to care about them. The smell of hash made me realize they were just chilling as well.

My logic just tells me people that smoke up are more relaxed and definitely not looking for a fight. In case you’re wondering.

My last experience skating, which was today, I went to the skate-park, expecting to meet a friend there. The dude had other priorities, but I was still determined to go there. Now that’s intimidating. Realizing how much I actually sucked. I almost bailed out. I was sitting on a bench watching skateboards, BMXs and inline-skates fly by. I think I just had to take a moment to absorb the energy around me because at one point I just thought “fuck it”, and went for it, practicing my return on ramps. It was good. Skating itself also requires fear facing and determination. I later also met a b-ball player, so I might also find a street posse to play with.  C’est bien!

My second and third fear weren’t exactly solely  faced  by my own will power. It’s like they were almost handed to me on a platter. It was destiny that did the dirty work. I’ll explain…

My second fear: I haven’t seen or heard anything directly from my ‘foster parents’ in ages. I thought it was time to give them a call. I even had an excuse now, since we needed a lawyer to draw up a contract and my ‘foster mom’ Kirsten happens to be a lawyer. I actually kept postponing to call her, always coming up with an excuse, but I realized I was just scared. Scared of not knowing what to say, or awkwardness between us because of how I left things. But then today, my ‘foster dad’ Toy called me instead, calling me just to see whats up. That was cool.

This is also  similar to how my last fear got faced: I kept postponing to talk to the neighbors about the design for pants I wanted them to make. I was scared of ringing their doorbell. I was going to do it eventually, but I guess the universe got tired of waiting. Today, two packages arrived for the neighbor at our address, because she wasn’t home. Perfect. That was all I needed. Funnily enough, I didn’t even need to go ring on her door; she rang on mine. So as she took her packages I asked her about doing me that favor and she straight away asked about all the details about how I wanted it. I was surprised by her fondness, even though I had a feeling she would be willing to help.

So that’s it. I think I learned something about provoking destiny today. If you are prepared, then some day, that preparation will meet opportunity. Although I strongly believe that opportunity should be created by oneself, it feels nice when destiny can sometimes carry that weight.

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