The only thing you can 100% control is yourself; my boundary of control is limited to myself, so that is where the focus should be.
Sometimes you get those moments of clarity, when you understand exactly why things are the way they are. You understand your fears and you accept them. You understand your insecurities, and accept them. You understand yourself.
I was thinking of this when I was chatting with people, and realized how we are all connected, and how the communication between us shows who we truly are: “There are mirrors everywhere”. My environment is an expression of who I am. The beauty of people is that they are able to communicate with each other on a deeper level, and that we can explore ourselves through other people.
For some reason, I don’t easily express affection for other people. Looking back, I have seen myself repressing what I felt over and over again, because I didn’t want to show what I felt on the inside. Why? I don’t really know. Embarrassment? Probably. I remember being a very emotional kid. I remember watching Stuart Little in the cinema with my family and crying at the end because I was so overwhelmed by the little mouse’s experience of love and loss. I remember being embarrassed about crying because I felt that it was a girly thing to do. But what I felt was real.
Fastforward into the present, I still need to develop my emotional connection with people. That’s the truth. The people I’m living with (Toy and Kirsten) have been very supportive of me throughout my stay at their place, and also helped me evaluate myself, and my obstacles. Not too long ago, I did a cover of Dani California by the RHCP on-stage with a band. I was the lead singer. We performed awesome as a band for a first time I think, me hitting at least most of the notes in the right place. But when I was watching the video back of it with Toy, I found it interesting how he thought I could’ve made it better. He told me to have a better emotional connection with the audience next time. And he was right, I 100% agreed. I was doing crazy shit like jumping around on stage, and later also jumping, and running into the crowd, but I acted like they weren’t even there. I ignored them probably because of a fear of rejection, of being ignored by the crowd, even though they were really excited and pumped to see us perform on-stage evident by their screaming. If I ignore them, I won’t have to worry about being rejected by them because I never put anything forward in the first place. And I have done this a lot, especially when it comes to girls.
I have ignored my feelings a lot. I have paid attention to the wrong people. I have probably caused a lot of frustration within other people, but I need to go through this process of self-realization. It all starts with a choice right here and now. Life is so beautiful, because it allows me to do just that.